Another Day...Away from Me

8 June 2010 in Washington, DC…it is very much a nice day here. I am on my way to the hospital to chat with the doctor regarding medications. As many of you know I use to take several types of medicines that helped me deal with my Reiters Syndrome effectively however based on the new heart medicines that I am on I am no longer able to take them. The net result is that my “Reiters” is coming back in full force. It’s amazing what the medication was able to do over the past 10 years in allowing me the opportunity to ski, skate and run…now those activities as well as just day to day functionality are in jeopardy.

I am sitting here thinking of my grandfather Mike (Papa)who suffered immeasurably at the hands of arthritis…and how my grandmother took care of him from thetime I was a youngster up through his passing. We have advanced so far from the standpoint of medicine and treatments for arthritis from where my grandfather stood 25 years ago…yet we still have so far to go. Another campaign…for another time.

Jake and Ian have their Colonial Forge Lacrosse Dinner this evening and I will be in attendance. Very much looking forward to Jake’s All Star Selection announcement as well as Ian’s nod to Varsity Goalie for the 2010-2011 season…should be a great evening.

I spent several nights wide awake till 2 AM and beyond revising the poem below. It was originally submitted to the publisher however it was sent back several times for revision. It’s absolutely amazing in working with a publisher…especially one that has never done a modern piece of poetry previously…how do these companies stay in business?

This morning I received an email from Ms. Jehanne Dubrow. For those of you who don’t know her (and up till last week I did not either!) she is a published author of three poetry collections; most recently Stateside which depicts her experience as a military spouse through poetry. I had heard her speaking last week while listening to NPR and given the title and subject matter of my book thought she might be interested in discussing the similarities as well as differences between writing as a spouse (her work)versus as the actual soldier on the ground (my work)…all the while using poetry as a medium. After explaining the trials and tribulations of working with a publisher her parting comment…”welcome to the club” ...follow-on discussions should be lively!

You can read about Ms. Dubrow at http://gefiltereview.blogspot.com/

Enjoy the day…and warmest regards

Brian


Away From Me

Each day passes
Often slow
I miss this woman
But does she know

That the time
We’ve been away
I’ve missed her with
Each passing day

We were one
In heart and soul
Together always
Our lives were whole

We walked a path
That bought us near
To the things we loved
And held so dear

She was a ray
That shined so bright
I loved this woman
Both day and night

To be a couple
That time could see
I needed her so
And on one knee

I’d make her mine
In all I do
Our love was one
For this she knew

The Light

From March, 2010 in Washington DC...a Poem...titled "The Light" ... from the upcoming book of poetry by Brian Hayes


The Light

I’ve walked a thousand miles
From coast…to another coast
I’ve searched my whole life over
For the one I thought…I’d love the most

Her eyes were just like diamonds
In a way…like none before
Her looks were of perfection
So hard…to just ignore

She captivated my essence
Always taking my breath away
Of all that is good in man
I wanted her…to stay

I needed her as a partner
A lover…and yes…a friend
But when the darkness fell
It came to be…our end

When the light no longer shines
And my time…has been erased
Just look into her eyes
And see my life…replaced

But I carry thoughts of her in my heart
With me…every day
They provide me strength and inner peace
And for this…I need to say

She will always be a part of me
Today…and forever more…
Our lives were full of emotion
The kind…you can’t ignore

Brian Hayes
March 2010

Discussions between Father and Sons

The world's favorite season is the spring...all things seem possible in May.
- Edwin Way Teale

All things seem possible in May…and yet here I was getting ready to speak to my children about death...and loosing a father. Somehow…at this very moment...nothing seems possible anymore.

The time to speak with Jake and Ian regarding my illness came this past weekend. As I have previously written it was not something I had been looking forward to nor anything I would wish upon a parent. It was however something that the boys needed to know in moving forward…and it was something I needed to do. I have spent weeks preparing for this moment and yet…I was so ill prepared emotionally when it came.

As I walked into the bedroom I was immediately overtaken with what I was about to tell them. Both boys “knew” something was up…they have keen intuition bought on by many worldly experiences...and yet they too were not prepared.

When I explained what had happened to my health; the complications and what the outcome would be they immediately broke down…and so did I. We have been very close as all father/son relationships should be and any news (good/bad) has been taken as the sum of all of its parts…today was no different.

It was very difficult…to both deliver as well as hear. We sat for what seemed like an eternity…and then we talked.

I told them how proud I was of each of them and the difference that they have made in my life; how being a father to Jake and Ian was the most rewarding accomplishment I have ever had and that all the memories we shared will live on in their hearts. I relayed to them a story from 2008…someone asked me in an interview what was my single greatest accomplishment…I did not have to think nor did I hesitate in response...it was my children…Jake and Ian Hayes

I told them that when they get home later in the day that they needed to hold their Mom close for she will forever be their protector as well as mentor and friend…and she has done so much…for all of us

I told them to take to care of each other for as long as they live…for the things that I missed most in my life were the comfort; the compassion and the camaraderie that comes from the relationship forged with your brother

I then sat and listened to each of them…

They asked very poignant questions requiring very forthright answers…and so we talked about how it happened; its prognosis; what happens next and what we are going to do in the interim.

I told the boys that the most important thing for me right now and into the future was that they understand just how much I love them and what will happen when I am gone. No real specifics…just the knowledge in knowing that the time left will be…time well spent.

We talked about Nan; about my writings; about the past; about regrets and about mistakes. I told them that certain friends would soon talk to them about events and times in my life that they should know about…and then the three of us just held each other…and cried

A close family friend commented last evening to the boys that:

“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

What Jake and Ian have always had is love…unconditional love...as well as some very fond memories of times spent with their Mom and I…together as well as separately…and they will always have that…to keep close in their hearts. At this time I take solace in knowing that Sheila will be there…as she has always been for them...long after I am gone

It is a rainy day here in Washington, DC…a day made not only for reflection but also for cleansing. As I look to the future I know that my children have begun a new journey…one that all of us eventually take…for with the changing of the seasons we begin anew…and for my boys…a time of enlightenment…and of endless possibilities.

I love you Jake and Ian

Dad