“My life was make believe…but in it…you were real”
From the movie Big Fish
I just finished watching Big Fish. It was a fantastic movie and given my current health situation it offered some insights into answering the inevitable questions about my past and the things I have done…especially from my children.
In general terms, the movie follows a young man through his life as he tries to reconcile his memories of his father (who is on his deathbed) in an effort to find out who he really is…he always saw his father as an irresponsible liar and storyteller and now he comes to understand the root of his dad's exaggerations and the depths of the reality of said stories.
The book is written as a chronological series of tall tales. Despite the novel's first-person narration, there is virtually no present tense within the movie other then the angst of a son trying to find out who his father really is. The various stories are a retelling of tales of the father’s life and range in scope from finding his wife at the circus, a near death experience battling a wolf and helping a gentle giant understand his role in life.
Somebody once said that Hollywood is a microcosm of our lives and that no matter the movie we can always find some element of truth as it pertains to life we led…for 125 minutes today I watched a portion some of my life unfold on the screen in front of me…and found new meaning in making sure my sons are not left with questions…and that they know my life had meaning and purpose.
The most poignant aspect of Big Fish was the funeral and the cast of characters in attendance.
The son was still skeptical of his Dad right up to the point when the fathers friends started arriving to pay their final respects...including the gentle giant; the man who turned into the wolf and the friend who robbed banks…it was a turning point for the son …and his family…all the stories came full circle…and the remaining questions were ultimately answered at this gathering.
For me this movie afforded the opportunity to not only look back on my own life and how it will be perceived but also how to assist in addressing Jake and Ian’s questions on what has happened.
If you have a moment...this movie is well worth your time to rent and view…I hope to sit and watch it with the boys…or at least talk about it with them after they watch it…either way…it provided several lighthearted moments as well as some serious moments of intense introspection today...all at a time when I needed it most.
Brian
Monday, May 10, 2010
The River...
From 2006 and modified May 2010 in Washington DC...a Poem...titled "The River" ... from the upcoming book of poetry by Brian Hayes
The River
Our love is like a river
Flowing…as we go
Along the banks of life
To a place…we both know
We are for each other
Or so it’s often said
We walk the river banks
To a life…that lies ahead
The water is inviting
It calls us…deep and blue
Our love survives its depth
Forever…it is true
We watch the water flow
As life…goes marching on
We hold each other close
For it’s the edge…that we are drawn
Another could never take
The dreams…that we have made
As the water gently flows
I’ve often sat…and then I prayed
That no matter…you will keep me
Deep within your heart
As the waters flow by
Lest we never…be apart
We walk the river banks
Always…hand in hand
You look into my eyes
For it’s the life that we had planned
The path is right in front of us
Let’s walk it….while we can
With love…trust…and honor
Forever…I’ll be your man
To keep you close and in my heart
Like the river…deep and blue
Never wander from your life
For this…I say and do
The River
Our love is like a river
Flowing…as we go
Along the banks of life
To a place…we both know
We are for each other
Or so it’s often said
We walk the river banks
To a life…that lies ahead
The water is inviting
It calls us…deep and blue
Our love survives its depth
Forever…it is true
We watch the water flow
As life…goes marching on
We hold each other close
For it’s the edge…that we are drawn
Another could never take
The dreams…that we have made
As the water gently flows
I’ve often sat…and then I prayed
That no matter…you will keep me
Deep within your heart
As the waters flow by
Lest we never…be apart
We walk the river banks
Always…hand in hand
You look into my eyes
For it’s the life that we had planned
The path is right in front of us
Let’s walk it….while we can
With love…trust…and honor
Forever…I’ll be your man
To keep you close and in my heart
Like the river…deep and blue
Never wander from your life
For this…I say and do
Friday, May 7, 2010
What we did...for our Nation (Part1)
Its 7 May 2010 - I had a great visit from my friend Ben several days ago...you may remember he was one of the individuals who I wrote of previously and was with us in 2002 in Uzbekistan. We had a great dinner and even better conversation about the work we did in removing a massive stockpile of anthrax from a former Soviet Biological Test Facility in the Aral Sea.
Yes…I did say anthrax!
Now this was not your average mission…nor was it one that was considered conventional by any means...the US Government had never undertaken a mission of this scope or magnitude before. It was an amalgamation of people, skills and some luck bought together and placed in one of the most remote corners of the world in order to prevent a large stockpile of biological material from falling into the hands of terrorists…and I was fortunate enough to lead it…along with some other very honorable folks!
There were many personalities who had a hand in the success of that operation…and yet what we did...the mission…albeit unclassified…never saw the light of day. It was a testament to how we as Nation conduct those secretive and necessary activities which are of great importance…with little or no fanfare...or any accolades to those involved. It is the nature of the business we lived and worked in.
Our timeline mirrored ongoing missions in Afghanistan including Operation Anaconda…and so while the US Army, Marines and the Air Force were rooting out terrorists in the Tora Bora region of Afghanistan our small cadre of subject matter experts was silently removing the largest known…and unguarded…repository of biological material the world had ever seen.
To place this into context…the amount of biological materials at this site was enough to kill all of the people in the world…several times over! Something needed to be done.
From a Monterey Institute publication regarding what this team did:
"The primary purpose of the expedition was to prevent potential adversaries from acquiring biochemical materials that could pose a significant risk and danger to Uzbekistan and the United States,"
Ben and I had chatted about the dynamics of that operation…the people…the developing personalities…and how what was planned in Washington, DC was not was executed on the ground once we arrived in country. We talked about the helicopters; the broken equipment; the lack of water and the threat we all faced when we undertook this operation. We talked about the meaning of having good people no matter where you are or what you are doing…for that was the measure of success for this mission.
I have captured many photos and memories of this significant mission…talking with Scott Harvey always brings up other memories that I totally forgot…I go into information overload! Ben was also a repository of some great stories as well.
What follows is a synopsis to help readers understand the scope of what we were up against as well as its significance…when people hear about it they are astonished…it makes for a great story…but when they understand the scope of the operation and its significance and meaning to our Nation…they are thankful…thankful for the people who risked their lives and the sacrifices made...in order to preserve our freedom.
What you will read below is written materials put together in an effort to capture the history of the biological program in the former Soviet Union as well as the critical aspects of our operation. It is presented as part of a book that I would have continued authoring in conjunction with another member of our mission...but my time left currently stands in the way of that effort.
I hope you enjoy…and more importantly understand...what we did!
Regards…
Brian
Biological Facility Background:
In the spring of 1988, Russian Biological Scientists located 850 miles east of Moscow were ordered by the Kremlin to undertake their most critical mission to date. Working with unparalleled speed and absolute secrecy, the scientists in the city of Sverdlovsk transferred hundreds of tons of weapons grade anthrax bacteria -- enough to destroy the world many times over -- into giant stainless-steel transport canisters. They haphazardly poured a makeshift bleach compound into the containers in a futile effort to decontaminate the deadly pink powder. They packed the canisters onto a military transport train two dozen cars long and sent the illicit cargo almost a thousand miles across Russia and Kazakhstan and then by air to a remote island in the heart of the inland Aral Sea. Here, Russian soldiers dug cavernous pits and poured the toxic sludge into the ground, attempting to bury the germs and eliminate illicit evidence of any violation of the Biological Weapons Convention.
Vozrozhdeniya Island was a natural choice for this deception based on its remoteness from the rest of the world. Renaissance Island, as it translates from the Russian, had been the Soviet Union's major open-air biological weapons testing facility.
In the period up through 2002, Renaissance Island, which the former Soviet republics of Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan share, was the world's largest anthrax burial ground.
Located in the central Aral Sea, Vozrozhdeniya Island was one of the main laboratories for the Soviet Union’s Microbiological Warfare Group. In 1948, a top-secret Soviet bioweapons laboratory was established there to further advance the Soviets domination in biological warfare. Word of the island's danger was further spread by Soviet defectors, including Ken Alibek, the former head of the Soviet Union's bioweapons program. It was here, according to Alibek (and based on Mr. Hayes’ work) that anthrax, plague and other biological warfare agents were weaponized and stored.
The main town on the island was Kantubek, which lies in ruins today, but once held approximately 1,500 inhabitants including weapons scientists, family members, military personnel and support staff.
The laboratory staff members abandoned the island in late 1991. Many of the 66 gallon containers containing the anthrax spores sent here in 1988 were not properly stored or destroyed and posed a potential proliferation risk if continued to be left unguarded. Word of this secret storage facility began to leak out and action was needed to ensure its identification and physical security.
The Removal of the Biological Threat
In the spring of 1999 Mr. Brian Hayes and a hand picked team were tasked by the Department of Defense to deploy to the former Soviet Union Biological Weapons Testing Facility on Voz Island to confirm a myriad of speculative questioning and to conduct specialized tasks associated with the islands past history including:
1. Identification of key production, research and development facilities on the island and any contamination issues;
2. Isolation and testing of residual contamination within the test area, administrative area and within the test grid to identify feasibility for follow-on decontamination operations in support of the government of Uzbekistan, and
3. Identification, marking and testing of reported burial pits purported to contain live weaponized anthrax from Russia sent to this site in 1988 (Author note: The anthrax was hastily transported and subsequently buried on the island in 1988 after Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev decided that the discovery of a stockpile of anthrax in eastern Siberia would be an embarrassment if Western countries ever found it. The West had suspected the Soviet Union was in violation of a 1972 treaty banning biological weapons ever since a 1979 accident at Sverdlovsk, 850 miles east of Moscow, released anthrax spores that reportedly killed some 70 people)
After making an initial technical assessment while on the site the team lead by Mr. Hayes reported back to US officials that the anthrax had been found. Mr. Hayes’s team readied materials for transport back to the US for further diagnosis. After an interagency effort determined that the anthrax lying in the pits was viable and the subsequent risk to the US and its allies was great a mission to eliminate the materials had to be developed and executed. In October, 2001 the Department of Defense made the decision that based on various movements by Al-Queda and other terrorist organizations who were actively seeking biological materials for a “global jihad” against the West planning should commence to eliminate the largest unsecured stockpile of anthrax.
The Mission(s):
In late 2001 Mr. Hayes was selected by the Department of Defense to lead another specialized team back to the island to ascertain exactly how much anthrax existed at the site, its total lethality and how best to accomplish any future large scale elimination effort. Having assembled a unique team of linguists, military personnel and analysts the team further isolated the site containing the live anthrax as well as took additional samples from several of the major structures at the complex to ensure that no residual contamination remained within. Where contamination was present in these structures, Mr. Hayes destroyed it in an effort to remove any future impediments to launching a large scale pathogen destruction mission.
In January 2002, with little fanfare or public knowledge the Department of Defense authorized the Voz Island Pathogenic Destruction Operation (VIPDO) with Mr. Hayes as the Mission Director. Mr. Hayes selected a second team of specialists including contractors, scientists and linguists to work in conjunction with scientific counterparts from Uzbekistan to eliminate the buried materials.
Initial deployments began in March 2002 to establish a footprint in the former sea-town of Nukus, Uzbekistan in an effort to secure the necessary equipment to execute the perilous task.
The team fully deployed to Voz Island in Aprl 2002 and immediately commenced destruction operations. The accelerated timeline as well as other environmental factors, labor and equipment issues resulted in a myriad of complex destruction methods being scrapped for simpler more cost effective methods designed by Mr. Hayes’ team.
In June, 2002 the VIPDO was completed 2 weeks ahead of schedule. Mr. Hayes reported back to the Government of Uzbekistan and the US Ambassador to the region that the unsecured anthrax had been totally eliminated from this former testing site.
The operation was successful on many fronts…but I think these are the most important:
1. Complete destruction of almost 300 metric tons of live anthrax spores left over from the USSR with zero contamination to the work force or the surrounding environment
2. Removed the largest unsecured proliferation threat in the world whereby ensuring that the material could not be used in a nefarious manner against the US, the Government of Uzbekistan or any of their allies.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
From April 2010 in Washington DC...a Poem...titled "I Watched Them Grow" ... from the upcoming book of poetry by Brian Hayes
I Watched Them Grow..
I carried them in my arms
And held them…
Oh so tight
I watched them grow
And become young men
In the early morning light
They are my salvation
My being…
And all…that’s true
But with the passing
Of my time
Their life begins…anew
I look at them...
And to the future
Held right before their eyes
As they follow on
The path placed out
Full of wonder…and surprise
Mistakes were made
And lessons…learned
But in…the very end
To watch them grow
Beside me now
My life…they comprehend
They understand its meaning
And the things
I said...and do
As I slowly start
To slip away…
My love...they always knew
Brian Hayes
I Watched Them Grow..
I carried them in my arms
And held them…
Oh so tight
I watched them grow
And become young men
In the early morning light
They are my salvation
My being…
And all…that’s true
But with the passing
Of my time
Their life begins…anew
I look at them...
And to the future
Held right before their eyes
As they follow on
The path placed out
Full of wonder…and surprise
Mistakes were made
And lessons…learned
But in…the very end
To watch them grow
Beside me now
My life…they comprehend
They understand its meaning
And the things
I said...and do
As I slowly start
To slip away…
My love...they always knew
Brian Hayes
We Cant Change the Cards..Only the Way We Play Them
Tuesday, 4 May 2010 was an interesting day…I was fortunate to have a great friend from North Carolina over and we spent many hours discussing my diagnosis, what is going on in my life and what is happening with mutual friends…I had another friend call and I had to deliver the news of my condition…and then I received an email about somebody named Dr. Randy Pausch.
I had heard the name but needed a refresher...who was this guy?
Dr. Pausch was featured throughout the internet and on CBS news back in 2007…he was the Carnegie Mellon University Professor who authored the book “The Last Lecture” – it was a monumental best seller and for those of you who are readers it is well worth reading! For those of you who are a bit more technically savvy (my Dad is not) there is a great video of his lecture on You Tube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo&NR=1)
When you watch this video you are immediately drawn to how well this man who has less then 6 months to live actually looks. He is in great shape…and he is very cognizant of all that is going on around him. He is stellar speaker…and yes…he is dying.
One of his prime comments from his speech captured my attention:
"Almost all of us have childhood dreams; for example, being an astronaut, or making movies or video games for a living. Sadly, most people don’t achieve theirs, and I think that’s a shame. I had several specific childhood dreams, and I’ve actually achieved most of them.”
After several moments of reflection…I looked back on these words and found comfort…comfort in the fact that I too had reached my childhood dreams and accomplished what I had set out to do…all of them.
The video was also a great overview of how people handle personal adversity; two groups of thought on this one…some people choose to ignore it while others address it head on. What can be taken from the video is the fact that adversity should not stand in the way of achieving your dreams...a great lesson for all.
I will soon head over to the High School for Senior Day...no it’s not an AARP event for retirees...Jake (and Ian) both have lacrosse games this evening and this will be Jakes final home game capping off a great season. His successes have motivated him for greater things in life – Ian has also seen this and no doubt will follow in his brother’s footsteps in lacrosse, Boy Scouts and then…off to college.
I have had the great pleasure of watching them grow as brothers as well as individuals over the past years and I could not be more pleased. As I discussed in previous postings they continue to make their parents proud.
Looking forward to a great afternoon!
Regards
Brian
I had heard the name but needed a refresher...who was this guy?
Dr. Pausch was featured throughout the internet and on CBS news back in 2007…he was the Carnegie Mellon University Professor who authored the book “The Last Lecture” – it was a monumental best seller and for those of you who are readers it is well worth reading! For those of you who are a bit more technically savvy (my Dad is not) there is a great video of his lecture on You Tube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo&NR=1)
When you watch this video you are immediately drawn to how well this man who has less then 6 months to live actually looks. He is in great shape…and he is very cognizant of all that is going on around him. He is stellar speaker…and yes…he is dying.
One of his prime comments from his speech captured my attention:
"Almost all of us have childhood dreams; for example, being an astronaut, or making movies or video games for a living. Sadly, most people don’t achieve theirs, and I think that’s a shame. I had several specific childhood dreams, and I’ve actually achieved most of them.”
After several moments of reflection…I looked back on these words and found comfort…comfort in the fact that I too had reached my childhood dreams and accomplished what I had set out to do…all of them.
The video was also a great overview of how people handle personal adversity; two groups of thought on this one…some people choose to ignore it while others address it head on. What can be taken from the video is the fact that adversity should not stand in the way of achieving your dreams...a great lesson for all.
I will soon head over to the High School for Senior Day...no it’s not an AARP event for retirees...Jake (and Ian) both have lacrosse games this evening and this will be Jakes final home game capping off a great season. His successes have motivated him for greater things in life – Ian has also seen this and no doubt will follow in his brother’s footsteps in lacrosse, Boy Scouts and then…off to college.
I have had the great pleasure of watching them grow as brothers as well as individuals over the past years and I could not be more pleased. As I discussed in previous postings they continue to make their parents proud.
Looking forward to a great afternoon!
Regards
Brian
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Light
From March, 2010 in Washington DC...a Poem...titled "The Light" ... from the upcoming book of poetry by Brian Hayes
The Light
I’ve walked a thousand miles
From coast…to another coast
I’ve searched my whole life over
For the one I thought…I’d love the most
Her eyes were just like diamonds
In a way…like none before
Her looks were of perfection
So hard…to just ignore
She captivated my essence
Always taking my breath away
Of all that is good in man
I wanted her…to stay
I needed her as a partner
A lover…and yes…a friend
But when the darkness fell
It came to be…our end
When the light no longer shines
And my time…has been erased
Just look into her eyes
And see my life…replaced
But I carry thoughts of her in my heart
With me…every day
They provide me strength and inner peace
And for this…I need to say
She will always be a part of me
Today…and forever more…
Our lives were full of emotion
The kind…you can’t ignore
Brian Hayes
March 2010
The Light
I’ve walked a thousand miles
From coast…to another coast
I’ve searched my whole life over
For the one I thought…I’d love the most
Her eyes were just like diamonds
In a way…like none before
Her looks were of perfection
So hard…to just ignore
She captivated my essence
Always taking my breath away
Of all that is good in man
I wanted her…to stay
I needed her as a partner
A lover…and yes…a friend
But when the darkness fell
It came to be…our end
When the light no longer shines
And my time…has been erased
Just look into her eyes
And see my life…replaced
But I carry thoughts of her in my heart
With me…every day
They provide me strength and inner peace
And for this…I need to say
She will always be a part of me
Today…and forever more…
Our lives were full of emotion
The kind…you can’t ignore
Brian Hayes
March 2010
The Days Ahead
Its 4 May 2010 and I just finished discussions with several friends who are currently serving in Iraq...great guys who will return home to their families soon...they have paid their debt in both time and service...more unsung hero’s in what will be a long war for our country.
My mind is on both Jake and Ian and the days ahead...Jake played great last night but the team did not "synch" and they lost their lacrosse game ...Ian did not play based on being home sick. At the varsity level you can clearly see the disparity of expertise on the field as they attempt to move the ball and score…to be successful in lacrosse…like in life…you need experience…Jake’s team has some players who are very good and some who need more experience…its very frustrating…but at the end of the day it’s the reality of it all.
In contrast…Ian’s team is a bit more balanced…more junior players all developing at the same time…they currently have a better “synch” then Jake’s varsity team and will be quite formidable in the coming years.
Colonial Forge HS Senior's night is this Wednesday…I plan on being there to walk across the field with Jake and his Mom. His last home game…I really am looking forward to that.
I will spend time today finalizing 25 pieces of poetry that I have crafted over the years and then prepare the accompanying text and pictures in preparation for publishing the book. It is exciting for me to see that Jake understands how important this project is for me and what each piece means personally...he and Ian will soon see some of the works that I penned for each of them while overseas...another gift…if you will…to be passed on...from father to son.
Regards
Brian
My mind is on both Jake and Ian and the days ahead...Jake played great last night but the team did not "synch" and they lost their lacrosse game ...Ian did not play based on being home sick. At the varsity level you can clearly see the disparity of expertise on the field as they attempt to move the ball and score…to be successful in lacrosse…like in life…you need experience…Jake’s team has some players who are very good and some who need more experience…its very frustrating…but at the end of the day it’s the reality of it all.
In contrast…Ian’s team is a bit more balanced…more junior players all developing at the same time…they currently have a better “synch” then Jake’s varsity team and will be quite formidable in the coming years.
Colonial Forge HS Senior's night is this Wednesday…I plan on being there to walk across the field with Jake and his Mom. His last home game…I really am looking forward to that.
I will spend time today finalizing 25 pieces of poetry that I have crafted over the years and then prepare the accompanying text and pictures in preparation for publishing the book. It is exciting for me to see that Jake understands how important this project is for me and what each piece means personally...he and Ian will soon see some of the works that I penned for each of them while overseas...another gift…if you will…to be passed on...from father to son.
Regards
Brian
Monday, May 3, 2010
Through the Glass
from January, 2010 in Washington DC...a poem...titled "Through the Glass" ... from the upcoming series of poems from Brian Hayes
Through the Glass
You walked in
And through the glass
A woman…
I did see
You smiled a smile
A thousand times
And your eyes…
Called out to me
You stood right by
Stared and watched
As time…
Began to play
And when I looked
Into those eyes
My thoughts…
And I did pray
To never loose
What we had
And capture
Till our end
All that life
Has given us
The time…
That we must spend
Held close
In love
And forever forward
From…this single day
And through that glass
I have found
For you…these words
I say
Keep me safe
An in your heart
And hold me...
Till my end
For in my life
And with your love
A vision
God…did send
Brian Hayes
Through the Glass
You walked in
And through the glass
A woman…
I did see
You smiled a smile
A thousand times
And your eyes…
Called out to me
You stood right by
Stared and watched
As time…
Began to play
And when I looked
Into those eyes
My thoughts…
And I did pray
To never loose
What we had
And capture
Till our end
All that life
Has given us
The time…
That we must spend
Held close
In love
And forever forward
From…this single day
And through that glass
I have found
For you…these words
I say
Keep me safe
An in your heart
And hold me...
Till my end
For in my life
And with your love
A vision
God…did send
Brian Hayes
Discussions between Father and Sons
The world's favorite season is the spring...all things seem possible in May.
- Edwin Way Teale
All things seem possible in May…and yet here I was getting ready to speak to my children about death...and loosing a father. Somehow…at this very moment...nothing seems possible anymore.
The time to speak with Jake and Ian regarding my illness came this past weekend. As I have previously written it was not something I had been looking forward to nor anything I would wish upon a parent. It was however something that the boys needed to know in moving forward…and it was something I needed to do. I have spent weeks preparing for this moment and yet…I was so ill prepared emotionally when it came.
As I walked into the bedroom I was immediately overtaken with what I was about to tell them. Both boys “knew” something was up…they have keen intuition bought on by many worldly experiences...and yet they too were not prepared.
When I explained what had happened to my health; the complications and what the outcome would be they immediately broke down…and so did I. We have been very close as all father/son relationships should be and any news (good/bad) has been taken as the sum of all of its parts…today was no different.
It was very difficult…to both deliver as well as hear. We sat for what seemed like an eternity…and then we talked.
I told them how proud I was of each of them and the difference that they have made in my life; how being a father to Jake and Ian was the most rewarding accomplishment I have ever had and that all the memories we shared will live on in their hearts. I relayed to them a story from 2008…someone asked me in an interview what was my single greatest accomplishment…I did not have to think nor did I hesitate in response...it was my children…Jake and Ian Hayes
I told them that when they get home later in the day that they needed to hold their Mom close for she will forever be their protector as well as mentor and friend…and she has done so much…for all of us
I told them to take to care of each other for as long as they live…for the things that I missed most in my life were the comfort; the compassion and the camaraderie that comes from the relationship forged with your brother
I then sat and listened to each of them…
They asked very poignant questions requiring very forthright answers…and so we talked about how it happened; its prognosis; what happens next and what we are going to do in the interim.
I told the boys that the most important thing for me right now and into the future was that they understand just how much I love them and what will happen when I am gone. No real specifics…just the knowledge in knowing that the time left will be…time well spent.
We talked about Nan; about my writings; about the past; about regrets and about mistakes. I told them that certain friends would soon talk to them about events and times in my life that they should know about…and then the three of us just held each other…and cried
A close family friend commented last evening to the boys that:
“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
What Jake and Ian have always had is love…unconditional love...as well as some very fond memories of times spent with their Mom and I…together as well as separately…and they will always have that…to keep close in their hearts. At this time I take solace in knowing that Sheila will be there…as she has always been for them...long after I am gone
It is a rainy day here in Washington, DC…a day made not only for reflection but also for cleansing. As I look to the future I know that my children have begun a new journey…one that all of us eventually take…for with the changing of the seasons we begin anew…and for my boys…a time of enlightenment…and of endless possibilities.
I love you Jake and Ian
Dad
- Edwin Way Teale
All things seem possible in May…and yet here I was getting ready to speak to my children about death...and loosing a father. Somehow…at this very moment...nothing seems possible anymore.
The time to speak with Jake and Ian regarding my illness came this past weekend. As I have previously written it was not something I had been looking forward to nor anything I would wish upon a parent. It was however something that the boys needed to know in moving forward…and it was something I needed to do. I have spent weeks preparing for this moment and yet…I was so ill prepared emotionally when it came.
As I walked into the bedroom I was immediately overtaken with what I was about to tell them. Both boys “knew” something was up…they have keen intuition bought on by many worldly experiences...and yet they too were not prepared.
When I explained what had happened to my health; the complications and what the outcome would be they immediately broke down…and so did I. We have been very close as all father/son relationships should be and any news (good/bad) has been taken as the sum of all of its parts…today was no different.
It was very difficult…to both deliver as well as hear. We sat for what seemed like an eternity…and then we talked.
I told them how proud I was of each of them and the difference that they have made in my life; how being a father to Jake and Ian was the most rewarding accomplishment I have ever had and that all the memories we shared will live on in their hearts. I relayed to them a story from 2008…someone asked me in an interview what was my single greatest accomplishment…I did not have to think nor did I hesitate in response...it was my children…Jake and Ian Hayes
I told them that when they get home later in the day that they needed to hold their Mom close for she will forever be their protector as well as mentor and friend…and she has done so much…for all of us
I told them to take to care of each other for as long as they live…for the things that I missed most in my life were the comfort; the compassion and the camaraderie that comes from the relationship forged with your brother
I then sat and listened to each of them…
They asked very poignant questions requiring very forthright answers…and so we talked about how it happened; its prognosis; what happens next and what we are going to do in the interim.
I told the boys that the most important thing for me right now and into the future was that they understand just how much I love them and what will happen when I am gone. No real specifics…just the knowledge in knowing that the time left will be…time well spent.
We talked about Nan; about my writings; about the past; about regrets and about mistakes. I told them that certain friends would soon talk to them about events and times in my life that they should know about…and then the three of us just held each other…and cried
A close family friend commented last evening to the boys that:
“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
What Jake and Ian have always had is love…unconditional love...as well as some very fond memories of times spent with their Mom and I…together as well as separately…and they will always have that…to keep close in their hearts. At this time I take solace in knowing that Sheila will be there…as she has always been for them...long after I am gone
It is a rainy day here in Washington, DC…a day made not only for reflection but also for cleansing. As I look to the future I know that my children have begun a new journey…one that all of us eventually take…for with the changing of the seasons we begin anew…and for my boys…a time of enlightenment…and of endless possibilities.
I love you Jake and Ian
Dad
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Gifts...from Fathers to Sons
Its Sunday, 2 May 2010 and I just finished watching "My Classic Car" this morning on cable TV - its almost habitual and something I have been doing for...well lets say I have been watching this and other like shows for years.
I have always been an automobile enthusiast...its something I got from my Dad and something that has stayed with me since I learned to drive the old Jeep we had in Nan's backyard...back when I was just 7 years old. I remember vividly watching my Dad spend time getting the Jeep to the point where it could be driven...and then he would have to go off to work...I would "attempt" to drive it around the back yard...with varying degrees of success...right up until my Grandmother would catch me and say "put it back before your father gets home"
Those memories carried me through a multitude of vehicle purchases and sales...I have owned a plethora of classic cars; Jeeps; various convertibles; motorcycles; trucks...and even a delivery vehicle (think Ice Cream Truck from the movie "Borat")- in all of those rides I looked back at where it all began...it was a "gift" from my Dad...it was not wrapped in a ribbon nor was it something placed under the Christmas Tree...it was passed to me through his actions and his interests. It was a gift I treasured then and now.
I remember fondly the Alfa Romeo; the 61 Chevy Impala SS...the 51 Ford...Kevin's first car (an old taxi cab without a back seat)...and probably another 20-30 cars and trucks...and how all of them...no matter the condition...had the ability to capture and hold my attention as a child...these vehicles all had a profound impact on me...and now...upon my children.
The last several days have been long for Task Force Hayes...I was finally able to sit and talk about what is happening in my life and the impact it will have on them...I plan on writing about that later...but as the sun came out again late in the afternoon on Saturday Jake asked to take out the convertible...I said "no-problem"
I think the boys needed some time to decompress...driving with the top down provided that for them...and I hope they understand that this is the power of vehicles...the gift...at some level...of freedom
Jake and Ian have been raised around many vehicles...both have always loved the joy and the openness of driving with the top down. When we lived in Monterey I had an old Chrysler convertible...both boys...albeit young...looked forward to driving down the coastal highway each Friday not as a chore but as a sense of freedom...what little kid does not want the wind whipping through his hair as he is strapped into his car seat?
They are on their way home to meet with their Mother...it will be a poignant conversation...we sat for over 2 full hours discussing what is happening to me and what the future holds...words can not express what it is like to see your children having to deal with this...but as I watch them drive off I know that that our time together is a gift...and like what my father gave me...I too am grateful for these boys and the time that we have left.
Brian
I have always been an automobile enthusiast...its something I got from my Dad and something that has stayed with me since I learned to drive the old Jeep we had in Nan's backyard...back when I was just 7 years old. I remember vividly watching my Dad spend time getting the Jeep to the point where it could be driven...and then he would have to go off to work...I would "attempt" to drive it around the back yard...with varying degrees of success...right up until my Grandmother would catch me and say "put it back before your father gets home"
Those memories carried me through a multitude of vehicle purchases and sales...I have owned a plethora of classic cars; Jeeps; various convertibles; motorcycles; trucks...and even a delivery vehicle (think Ice Cream Truck from the movie "Borat")- in all of those rides I looked back at where it all began...it was a "gift" from my Dad...it was not wrapped in a ribbon nor was it something placed under the Christmas Tree...it was passed to me through his actions and his interests. It was a gift I treasured then and now.
I remember fondly the Alfa Romeo; the 61 Chevy Impala SS...the 51 Ford...Kevin's first car (an old taxi cab without a back seat)...and probably another 20-30 cars and trucks...and how all of them...no matter the condition...had the ability to capture and hold my attention as a child...these vehicles all had a profound impact on me...and now...upon my children.
The last several days have been long for Task Force Hayes...I was finally able to sit and talk about what is happening in my life and the impact it will have on them...I plan on writing about that later...but as the sun came out again late in the afternoon on Saturday Jake asked to take out the convertible...I said "no-problem"
I think the boys needed some time to decompress...driving with the top down provided that for them...and I hope they understand that this is the power of vehicles...the gift...at some level...of freedom
Jake and Ian have been raised around many vehicles...both have always loved the joy and the openness of driving with the top down. When we lived in Monterey I had an old Chrysler convertible...both boys...albeit young...looked forward to driving down the coastal highway each Friday not as a chore but as a sense of freedom...what little kid does not want the wind whipping through his hair as he is strapped into his car seat?
They are on their way home to meet with their Mother...it will be a poignant conversation...we sat for over 2 full hours discussing what is happening to me and what the future holds...words can not express what it is like to see your children having to deal with this...but as I watch them drive off I know that that our time together is a gift...and like what my father gave me...I too am grateful for these boys and the time that we have left.
Brian
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