The Passing of Time

Good Morning - it was a long day at the hospital and an even longer day waiting for the cardiologist to call back. In the end the news was not good...it never gets better with time. After the invasive procedure I was allowed to head home to "wait" for the call that would come. At roughly 1700 (5PM) the Director of Cardiology called and informed me that based on the extent of damage to the left side of my heart (the DCM) and the duration of time that this has been prevalent, he was not optimistic of the outcome or my overall prognosis. The only option that is available is a transplant however that process is long and arduous just to get on the list and what I have going against me is the continued deterioration of my existing heart.

The Veterans Administration as well as WRAMC will take the necessary steps to get me to that point of being on the list. I am going to notify the SSA later today and submit disability paperwork. After that we shall see.

I have spoken with Jake and Ian's Mom over the last couple of days to make her fully aware of what is going on. Given the activities for Jake (Eagle Scout Promotion) this weekend we have decided to hold off on telling them . The emotions around this decision and its long term implications for both boys is really killing me. I had never thought of not being in their life and now with a timeline for departure I am awash in emotions that I have to deal with. Probably the hardest thing a parent could tell a child...I am dreading that discussuion.

I spoke to my Dad late last night...suffice to say that he did not take the news well. He knew something was up several months back when I could not fight off the pneumonia. His intuition has always been good. I needed to make sure that he fully understood that when I leave he needed to fill the void especially for Ian. It was a very poignant conversation and one that was probably 20 years in the making. I am sure there will be more to follow.

A couple of weeks ago I ventured down RTE 95 to the place where in 2004 my Grandmother called me to tell me she was taking herself of dialysis. I got out of the car and just looked around. It was a somber moment in my life and a conversation that I never forgot. As I stood there remembering the call I quickly realized how much I missed her and what she meant to me. Flashforward to today....as I look back I take comfort and draw strength for I know she is watching over me and will comfort me through this last journey.

The irony in waking up today is that the WRAMC is sending a grief counselor to sit and talk with me. This should be interesting given my current field of study. I often wondered why the Army and/or the VA would do that especially with soldiers trained to "ignore those emotions" -now I get to experience it firsthand.

I still have much to write. I want to publish a book about the poetry I crafted as well as pen some more notes to Jake and Ian. Not sure how I will do but know I need to do it sooner...as there will not be a later.

Brian