It's been several weeks now since I was notified of my condition and its pending and eventual outcome. In that time my thoughts have been primarily with the boys and their Mom...and making sure they are cared for when I leave.
Sheila and I spoke on Monday evening and it was the hardest thing I have done to date regarding this matter. Discussion topics included my will, insurance documents, education benefits for the kids, etc, etc....and then...out of the blue Sheila said something to me with tears streaming from her eyes...she said that the boys will miss me. I just stood there and cried while trying to comprehend all that had happened in our lives up to this point and how it pertained to our kids...and to us...I could barely keep my composure before that comment...and now I crying uncontrollably. We said nothing for what seemed like 30 seconds...I thanked her while still crying...and stated that "I have to go."
When I was in Afghanistan I penned several poems during the downtime I had...when my conversation with Sheila ended on Monday I went back to them...there were many passages from numerous poems written however this one (from "You Never Knew") resonated clearly:
Although…I can not change
Some things…
They are the past
My life has come full circle
I see the future…at last
It is full of wonderment
Of heartache
Yet not of pain
And in the beckoning of the light
In thought…I shall remain
My conversation with Sheila made me realize that although my journey is almost over... through the boys...I shall remain.
A very good friend lent an ear several days ago as well. He was alerted to a potential issue with my health and that I needed to chat with him regarding work. We talked for a bit and it was helpful for me to have his understanding and compassion at this time. He commented that the "blog" should be made available after I go as a sort of legacy so that family and friends can look back and fully understand what has happened and how it was handled. Sage advise Sir...and again...thank you!
Both boys played lacrosse yesterday against Woodbridge HS...great games by all accounts and to be there and watch Jake score three goals and Ian assist made my day. When I finally returned home I could state that I was happy...I was a bit apprehensive...I was somewhat scared of what is next...and yes a large part of me was lonely...but through it all...I was happy...happy for the experiences; the friends; the boys; and hopefully another day to write and to think about my ending...and more importantly...their beginning.
Brian
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