It's been several weeks now since I was notified of my condition and its pending and eventual outcome. In that time my thoughts have been primarily with the boys and their Mom...and making sure they are cared for when I leave.
Sheila and I spoke on Monday evening and it was the hardest thing I have done to date regarding this matter. Discussion topics included my will, insurance documents, education benefits for the kids, etc, etc....and then...out of the blue Sheila said something to me with tears streaming from her eyes...she said that the boys will miss me. I just stood there and cried while trying to comprehend all that had happened in our lives up to this point and how it pertained to our kids...and to us...I could barely keep my composure before that comment...and now I crying uncontrollably. We said nothing for what seemed like 30 seconds...I thanked her while still crying...and stated that "I have to go."
When I was in Afghanistan I penned several poems during the downtime I had...when my conversation with Sheila ended on Monday I went back to them...there were many passages from numerous poems written however this one (from "You Never Knew") resonated clearly:
Although…I can not change
Some things…
They are the past
My life has come full circle
I see the future…at last
It is full of wonderment
Of heartache
Yet not of pain
And in the beckoning of the light
In thought…I shall remain
My conversation with Sheila made me realize that although my journey is almost over... through the boys...I shall remain.
A very good friend lent an ear several days ago as well. He was alerted to a potential issue with my health and that I needed to chat with him regarding work. We talked for a bit and it was helpful for me to have his understanding and compassion at this time. He commented that the "blog" should be made available after I go as a sort of legacy so that family and friends can look back and fully understand what has happened and how it was handled. Sage advise Sir...and again...thank you!
Both boys played lacrosse yesterday against Woodbridge HS...great games by all accounts and to be there and watch Jake score three goals and Ian assist made my day. When I finally returned home I could state that I was happy...I was a bit apprehensive...I was somewhat scared of what is next...and yes a large part of me was lonely...but through it all...I was happy...happy for the experiences; the friends; the boys; and hopefully another day to write and to think about my ending...and more importantly...their beginning.
Brian
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Bad Call...
So what happens when the phone rings at 5PM on a Monday? Sales call? Marketer? No...its the Veterans Administration.
Spoke with the VA counselor just a few minutes ago...although they will sponsor me to the Federal Registry I am no longer a good candidate based on previous ailments as well as complications associated with my current condition. The medication I have taken over the past 10 years has severely weakened my immune system as well as my liver and kidney functionality. These two factors made me a third tier candidate versus a first tier hopeful. So much for hope..........
I still have not told the kids...its based on their Mom's wishes to postpone as long as possible. I think Ian has an idea that something is wrong...he senses it. Jake is oblivious based on all going on around him...a typical teen!
Time to go take a walk...
Brian
Spoke with the VA counselor just a few minutes ago...although they will sponsor me to the Federal Registry I am no longer a good candidate based on previous ailments as well as complications associated with my current condition. The medication I have taken over the past 10 years has severely weakened my immune system as well as my liver and kidney functionality. These two factors made me a third tier candidate versus a first tier hopeful. So much for hope..........
I still have not told the kids...its based on their Mom's wishes to postpone as long as possible. I think Ian has an idea that something is wrong...he senses it. Jake is oblivious based on all going on around him...a typical teen!
Time to go take a walk...
Brian
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Life...in Perspective....
Good Morning...
I have had the opportunity to look back over my life these past several days and take some measure of solace in what I have accomplished...as well as spend time thinking about those expectations I have been unable or failed to meet. For me, the remainder of my time is less about personal enlightenment and more about addressing the things that I should have done better.
My phone rang yesterday and it was an old friend. We had not seen or spoken to each other in several years yet we were able to fall right back into the banter that defined our friendship so long ago. She had no idea of my present situation and when I told her I could tell it was blow...and caused some uneasiness. We took a few moments to discuss the "how" and the "why" of it all and then laughed at all the folks and the situations we had experienced along the way...our likes and dislikes...kids..marriage...the usual stuff.
It was sort of like replaying the high points in your life and capturing all the good that had been done...and how...as one matures...he/she grows both emotionally and spiritually. It was refreshing in a way as it takes you from a place (reality) and provides for you a moment free of the pain and the suffering where you can sit and think. Too often whether in my position or not we (collectively) fail to do this for ourselves. The pace of life itself...personal responsibilities... work...etc all define when we can take a moment and reflect...it really should not be that way.
I remember fondly when folks at work would say..."man this day is so tough...I cant take this" My retort was always along the lines of being a soldier...serving overseas..."nobody is shooting at you...no IED's went off on the ride to work and nobody is firing rockets at you...its not that bad" Some got it...and others simply continue to complain.
The folks that worked for me always knew that it is about perspective...no matter how bad you have it or think you have it...there are always others who are in worse shape...just take a look around. To me it was always comical to listen to somebody in the office with a danish and a latte complaining about "work conditions" here in the DC area. I chuckle silently sometimes and at other times I am much more vocal. In the end...your perspective is driven by your experiences...and many of these folks have had few experiences outside the confines of work.
I have been fortunate to have had many experiences...some good and some bad...but experiences none the less.
I firmly believe that it is those experiences that I will hold onto as I get closer to my time.
At Jake's ceremony the other day I gave him a small framed photo from 2002 as gift...it was picture he had never seen before and one that was taken by my Grandmother when she visited. It showed the two of us at the Fredericksburg Ice Park. Jake was dressed in his hockey uniform and I was in typical street attire. I saw Jake's eyes light up when he saw it...he saw in that picture time with his Dad but also another experience in his life. We smiled...then he blew me off and went and hung out with his friends...but I think we can all see the point here...it our experiences that define us and make us who we are.
I was glad I took a lot of pictures of my experiences...Afghanistan, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Russia and many other countries have all given me perspective...and experience...but the driving factor in all of it was the people...for that is the time spent with the people I met...and that is the comfort I derive today...and in moving forward.
The call yesterday was enlightening and more importantly...needed.
Thank You
Brian
I have had the opportunity to look back over my life these past several days and take some measure of solace in what I have accomplished...as well as spend time thinking about those expectations I have been unable or failed to meet. For me, the remainder of my time is less about personal enlightenment and more about addressing the things that I should have done better.
My phone rang yesterday and it was an old friend. We had not seen or spoken to each other in several years yet we were able to fall right back into the banter that defined our friendship so long ago. She had no idea of my present situation and when I told her I could tell it was blow...and caused some uneasiness. We took a few moments to discuss the "how" and the "why" of it all and then laughed at all the folks and the situations we had experienced along the way...our likes and dislikes...kids..marriage...the usual stuff.
It was sort of like replaying the high points in your life and capturing all the good that had been done...and how...as one matures...he/she grows both emotionally and spiritually. It was refreshing in a way as it takes you from a place (reality) and provides for you a moment free of the pain and the suffering where you can sit and think. Too often whether in my position or not we (collectively) fail to do this for ourselves. The pace of life itself...personal responsibilities... work...etc all define when we can take a moment and reflect...it really should not be that way.
I remember fondly when folks at work would say..."man this day is so tough...I cant take this" My retort was always along the lines of being a soldier...serving overseas..."nobody is shooting at you...no IED's went off on the ride to work and nobody is firing rockets at you...its not that bad" Some got it...and others simply continue to complain.
The folks that worked for me always knew that it is about perspective...no matter how bad you have it or think you have it...there are always others who are in worse shape...just take a look around. To me it was always comical to listen to somebody in the office with a danish and a latte complaining about "work conditions" here in the DC area. I chuckle silently sometimes and at other times I am much more vocal. In the end...your perspective is driven by your experiences...and many of these folks have had few experiences outside the confines of work.
I have been fortunate to have had many experiences...some good and some bad...but experiences none the less.
I firmly believe that it is those experiences that I will hold onto as I get closer to my time.
At Jake's ceremony the other day I gave him a small framed photo from 2002 as gift...it was picture he had never seen before and one that was taken by my Grandmother when she visited. It showed the two of us at the Fredericksburg Ice Park. Jake was dressed in his hockey uniform and I was in typical street attire. I saw Jake's eyes light up when he saw it...he saw in that picture time with his Dad but also another experience in his life. We smiled...then he blew me off and went and hung out with his friends...but I think we can all see the point here...it our experiences that define us and make us who we are.
I was glad I took a lot of pictures of my experiences...Afghanistan, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Russia and many other countries have all given me perspective...and experience...but the driving factor in all of it was the people...for that is the time spent with the people I met...and that is the comfort I derive today...and in moving forward.
The call yesterday was enlightening and more importantly...needed.
Thank You
Brian
Monday, April 19, 2010
They are in good hands...
Good Morning
I spent Sunday at the United States Marine Corp Museum at Quantico, Virginia. It is, in essence, hallowed ground and a trip that is worth making time and time again. It was only the second time I had been to this facility and just like the previous visit I was not only captivated by what the museum offers its patrons but also inspired by all who have gone before me.
The reason for my visit this time was not to delve into military history but rather to attend the promotion ceremony of my eldest son Jake to the rank of Eagle Scout within the Boy Scouts of America. Jake had actually attained this significant accomplishment back in October but no matter what the organization...anything that involves more then one signature for approval takes months to accomplish...and the Boy Scouts are no different. Jake's day was designated as 18 April 2010...and it's another day I will never forget.
When you walk into the museum you are immediately taken back not only by the scope of the exhibits themselves but also the depth of the sacrifice that each of these brave men and women have given since the inception of the Marines. Etched throughout the rotunda are memorable quotes from Marines which add to the mystique and the color of being in the "Corp" ... As one parent commented..."if this does not make you want to join the Marines then you are just not paying attention"
I arrived at the ceremony with Ian at 1300...a full hour earlier then the 1400 start time. We took the time to work with the museum staff and set up the facility. The ceremony would be held in the main rotunda next to the entrance...I stood and thought to myself that many of the patrons visiting today were also going to see something that does not happen very often...an Eagle Promotion.
After some last minute details and coordination with executives from the Boy Scouts the ceremony began. Jake's mother and I were escorted to our seats by our youngest son. I recognized over half of the 100 plus guests in attendance...many of Jake and Ian's personal friends had come to see this event...and many of the museum patrons were starting to pay attention. Looking at some of the gazes I could tell that they had no idea of what was happening or why our son was being singled out.
And so it began....
The Scout Leaders who had been there for Jake since 2001 when he moved here from Ft. Bragg all took turns discussing his significant accomplishments, his trials and tribulations and more importantly the personal journey he had taken to get here. At one juncture there was a "story" read about 100 Scouts...and it is a poignant one not only for Jake's situation but for life in general.
Of 100 boys who start in scouting less then 3 will ever attain the rank of Eagle Scout yet all 100 will have been touched in some way by scouting. Many of the United States greatest business, military and civic leaders have all been Eagle Scouts. This point was not lost on Jake who stood at attention as the leaders read on. I saw a glint in his eye as he was finally understanding what this accomplishment meant not only in his parents eyes but also from a community perspective.
Jake was presented with a litany of memento's, certificates and letters from various associations, elected officials and leaders from both the military and academia all congratulating him on what he had accomplished. Most poignant and read out loud for the audience were the commendations from the Commandant of the Marines and the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Both commented not only on his maturity and dedication in getting to this point but also on his future contributions to his country and the expectations that come with this great achievement.
Jake had met both of these fine leaders earlier while assigned to Ft. Bragg as well as when he completed his Millennium Ride and both were more then willing to put pen to paper in appreciation and gratitude for what he had done and, yet, what he still had to do. Looking out over the assembled crowd you could see several persons in attendance with tears in their eyes. This point, again, was not lost on Jake who was still standing at attention.
Jake was afforded the opportunity to make some comments. I chuckled to myself as he pulled from his pocket several note cards and placed them on the podium...he has seen me do this several times previously. He went on to thank those special folks that had touched his life and got him to this point; his parents; his friends and close relatives; his Scout Master (Mr. White) who he stated had held him accountable when he most needed it; and all the other scouts who he had had the privilege to serve with. Then Jake did something that was actually awe inspiring for both myself and his Mom...he looked out over the audience and paused..then he thanked his brother Ian for being there for him and helping him attain the award. It was a heartfelt moment for both of them...a casual nod from eldest to youngest for being "my brother"
After the formal ceremony a receiving line followed...from the audience an elderly man approached...he was clearly in his 80's or even older but was impeccably groomed and you could tell he was a former military man. He held my hand and thanked both Jake's mother and I for allowing him the opportunity to attend this ceremony. See...he was an Eagle Scout from 1943 who upon attaining his rank immediately joined the Marines and fought in WWII in the Pacific Theater. He was at Quantico for the first time to see the new museum and just happened to be passing by as Jake's ceremony began and decided that like WWII...he "needed to be there" - he had never been to an Eagle Scout Ceremony since his own and wanted to thank us for mentoring such a fine young man. My eyes started to water as he held my hand even tighter. He looked at Jake and then back at us and stated... "he is in good hands"
Once the day ended I walked around the outside of the museum and sat for a bit. I was taken back by all that happened and what I saw in both my children. Ian will get his Eagle Scout next year and I am confident that he will be as charismatic as Jake was on his day...but my thoughts were not about the pomp and circumstance...they were of the boys...and what life will be like a year from now. Jake captured my attention today not because of what he had achieved but for what he had become. I looked back on his comments and his actions and see a young man full of not only energy...but compassion and, more importantly...maturity. Jake is beginning to comprehend and deal with the adversity that life brings each one of us. His accomplishments to date are reflective of the learning process we all go through and his eyes are now wide open.
I will finally tell the boys this week about my situation...my timeline and what happens next. Sheila will be there with me at the appointed time and place. The conversation is one that I am not looking forward to yet knowingly must happen. Based on what I saw at the USMC Museum at the ceremony...I know...both boys will always be in good hands.
Brian
I spent Sunday at the United States Marine Corp Museum at Quantico, Virginia. It is, in essence, hallowed ground and a trip that is worth making time and time again. It was only the second time I had been to this facility and just like the previous visit I was not only captivated by what the museum offers its patrons but also inspired by all who have gone before me.
The reason for my visit this time was not to delve into military history but rather to attend the promotion ceremony of my eldest son Jake to the rank of Eagle Scout within the Boy Scouts of America. Jake had actually attained this significant accomplishment back in October but no matter what the organization...anything that involves more then one signature for approval takes months to accomplish...and the Boy Scouts are no different. Jake's day was designated as 18 April 2010...and it's another day I will never forget.
When you walk into the museum you are immediately taken back not only by the scope of the exhibits themselves but also the depth of the sacrifice that each of these brave men and women have given since the inception of the Marines. Etched throughout the rotunda are memorable quotes from Marines which add to the mystique and the color of being in the "Corp" ... As one parent commented..."if this does not make you want to join the Marines then you are just not paying attention"
I arrived at the ceremony with Ian at 1300...a full hour earlier then the 1400 start time. We took the time to work with the museum staff and set up the facility. The ceremony would be held in the main rotunda next to the entrance...I stood and thought to myself that many of the patrons visiting today were also going to see something that does not happen very often...an Eagle Promotion.
After some last minute details and coordination with executives from the Boy Scouts the ceremony began. Jake's mother and I were escorted to our seats by our youngest son. I recognized over half of the 100 plus guests in attendance...many of Jake and Ian's personal friends had come to see this event...and many of the museum patrons were starting to pay attention. Looking at some of the gazes I could tell that they had no idea of what was happening or why our son was being singled out.
And so it began....
The Scout Leaders who had been there for Jake since 2001 when he moved here from Ft. Bragg all took turns discussing his significant accomplishments, his trials and tribulations and more importantly the personal journey he had taken to get here. At one juncture there was a "story" read about 100 Scouts...and it is a poignant one not only for Jake's situation but for life in general.
Of 100 boys who start in scouting less then 3 will ever attain the rank of Eagle Scout yet all 100 will have been touched in some way by scouting. Many of the United States greatest business, military and civic leaders have all been Eagle Scouts. This point was not lost on Jake who stood at attention as the leaders read on. I saw a glint in his eye as he was finally understanding what this accomplishment meant not only in his parents eyes but also from a community perspective.
Jake was presented with a litany of memento's, certificates and letters from various associations, elected officials and leaders from both the military and academia all congratulating him on what he had accomplished. Most poignant and read out loud for the audience were the commendations from the Commandant of the Marines and the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Both commented not only on his maturity and dedication in getting to this point but also on his future contributions to his country and the expectations that come with this great achievement.
Jake had met both of these fine leaders earlier while assigned to Ft. Bragg as well as when he completed his Millennium Ride and both were more then willing to put pen to paper in appreciation and gratitude for what he had done and, yet, what he still had to do. Looking out over the assembled crowd you could see several persons in attendance with tears in their eyes. This point, again, was not lost on Jake who was still standing at attention.
Jake was afforded the opportunity to make some comments. I chuckled to myself as he pulled from his pocket several note cards and placed them on the podium...he has seen me do this several times previously. He went on to thank those special folks that had touched his life and got him to this point; his parents; his friends and close relatives; his Scout Master (Mr. White) who he stated had held him accountable when he most needed it; and all the other scouts who he had had the privilege to serve with. Then Jake did something that was actually awe inspiring for both myself and his Mom...he looked out over the audience and paused..then he thanked his brother Ian for being there for him and helping him attain the award. It was a heartfelt moment for both of them...a casual nod from eldest to youngest for being "my brother"
After the formal ceremony a receiving line followed...from the audience an elderly man approached...he was clearly in his 80's or even older but was impeccably groomed and you could tell he was a former military man. He held my hand and thanked both Jake's mother and I for allowing him the opportunity to attend this ceremony. See...he was an Eagle Scout from 1943 who upon attaining his rank immediately joined the Marines and fought in WWII in the Pacific Theater. He was at Quantico for the first time to see the new museum and just happened to be passing by as Jake's ceremony began and decided that like WWII...he "needed to be there" - he had never been to an Eagle Scout Ceremony since his own and wanted to thank us for mentoring such a fine young man. My eyes started to water as he held my hand even tighter. He looked at Jake and then back at us and stated... "he is in good hands"
Once the day ended I walked around the outside of the museum and sat for a bit. I was taken back by all that happened and what I saw in both my children. Ian will get his Eagle Scout next year and I am confident that he will be as charismatic as Jake was on his day...but my thoughts were not about the pomp and circumstance...they were of the boys...and what life will be like a year from now. Jake captured my attention today not because of what he had achieved but for what he had become. I looked back on his comments and his actions and see a young man full of not only energy...but compassion and, more importantly...maturity. Jake is beginning to comprehend and deal with the adversity that life brings each one of us. His accomplishments to date are reflective of the learning process we all go through and his eyes are now wide open.
I will finally tell the boys this week about my situation...my timeline and what happens next. Sheila will be there with me at the appointed time and place. The conversation is one that I am not looking forward to yet knowingly must happen. Based on what I saw at the USMC Museum at the ceremony...I know...both boys will always be in good hands.
Brian
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Taking in...the time left with the boys
What I will miss the most.....
Its Saturday morning and I had my youngest son with me all night. Great discussions about school, athletics and driving. I purchased a car a couple of weeks ago for him and its a 5 speed... he loves it but is a bit apprehensive of driving a manual all the time. He will grow into it!
We had dinner at a Mexican place last night after they arrived...Just Jake, Ian and myself. It was calming for me just listening to Jake's stories about his cruise in Mexico and Ian's bike trip to North Carolina. The look on Jake's face was priceless when he found out about the additional charges on his I-Phone when he was in Mexico..."Sorry Dad" meant more to me tonight then ever.
As I sat and listened to the boys deep down I knew I would miss them as my time approaches. Both boys have grown so much...not just in size but more importantly....in maturity. The way they carry a conversation, the manner in which the engage others...it was refreshing to see my boys as what they have become...young men.
I spoke with Sheila last night just before meeting a friend to discuss my prognosis. I felt the emotion in Sheila's voice and her deep concern not only for me but for the boys as well. She has done a remarkable job with them and I feel that once the news is given to them her strength will be tested again...but she is strong and what I got from our conversation is she is prepared. That is all I could ask for.
Its amazing the thoughts that go through your head in this type of situation. I remember so much about the boys and our life...the things we've done and the places we have been. I am so proud of them for what they have accomplished as well as what they will do in the future...I have a picture of them in New Hampshire from 2002...it was a ski trip we went on together...just the three of us. I remember the emotion of that trip...the crispness of the air...the ability of the boys to command the slopes and the camaraderie that comes from a father/son relationship.
I look at the picture and I cry...for those are the moments that I will miss the most...the times with the boys...teaching them and leading them in pursuits of growth and challenge. I have had this discussion with Sheila...she knows the importance of these pursuits and she will continue to challenge and hold them accountable...I know they have been and will always be in good hands...
And I will always look in on them
Brian
Its Saturday morning and I had my youngest son with me all night. Great discussions about school, athletics and driving. I purchased a car a couple of weeks ago for him and its a 5 speed... he loves it but is a bit apprehensive of driving a manual all the time. He will grow into it!
We had dinner at a Mexican place last night after they arrived...Just Jake, Ian and myself. It was calming for me just listening to Jake's stories about his cruise in Mexico and Ian's bike trip to North Carolina. The look on Jake's face was priceless when he found out about the additional charges on his I-Phone when he was in Mexico..."Sorry Dad" meant more to me tonight then ever.
As I sat and listened to the boys deep down I knew I would miss them as my time approaches. Both boys have grown so much...not just in size but more importantly....in maturity. The way they carry a conversation, the manner in which the engage others...it was refreshing to see my boys as what they have become...young men.
I spoke with Sheila last night just before meeting a friend to discuss my prognosis. I felt the emotion in Sheila's voice and her deep concern not only for me but for the boys as well. She has done a remarkable job with them and I feel that once the news is given to them her strength will be tested again...but she is strong and what I got from our conversation is she is prepared. That is all I could ask for.
Its amazing the thoughts that go through your head in this type of situation. I remember so much about the boys and our life...the things we've done and the places we have been. I am so proud of them for what they have accomplished as well as what they will do in the future...I have a picture of them in New Hampshire from 2002...it was a ski trip we went on together...just the three of us. I remember the emotion of that trip...the crispness of the air...the ability of the boys to command the slopes and the camaraderie that comes from a father/son relationship.
I look at the picture and I cry...for those are the moments that I will miss the most...the times with the boys...teaching them and leading them in pursuits of growth and challenge. I have had this discussion with Sheila...she knows the importance of these pursuits and she will continue to challenge and hold them accountable...I know they have been and will always be in good hands...
And I will always look in on them
Brian
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Wheels on the Bus......
"We live..we die...and the wheels on the bus go round and round..." (The Bucket List)
After the grief counselor left yesterday I had time to reflect on my life and what I have done...and more importantly what I feel I still need to do.
It was a very emotional look at myself and more importantly what others will/would/do see. I looked back on what I have accomplished as well as some of the dumber things I have done. A friend commented earlier in the week that "life is the sum of all your choices" - upon reflection I would say...she is absolutely correct.
When the counselor left yesterday I went and rented the Bucket List. I have always been a Jack Nicholson fan and knew what the content of the movie was about and how it relates to my present situation. The funny thing is previously I stayed away from those movies as they would elicit an emotional response from me that I was very uncomfortable with...however this movie has always drawn me in...and I felt I needed to see it now more then ever.
The movie brings into perspective the reality of life's choices for those who's time is fast approaching...in summation when the end is near all you can really do is try to make up for lost time while attempting to make amends. A key point from the script that is readily apparent...decisions made 2, 3, 5 or 10 years ago cant be fixed...for those actions have already been "completed" - certainly you can try to make amends and offer apologies however at the end of the day what has happened has happened. Sometimes sorry does not make it right...and then you realize that you don't have much time left...and then sorry is all you really have.
For me it was interesting watching the characters in this movie and how they too handled the eventuality of death. Spurned on by the sense that they had "things" they needed to do I took from the movie the opposite approach. I really have done all those activities that I have ever wanted to do...I have been fortunate enough to live and travel all over the world...and yes I still hate France...but...I have climbed...skied...and jumped from airplanes...fought for and served my country...I have loved and lost...as well as put at risk all that was important in my life. I did so knowingly and in some regards foolishly and often without hesitation or ever fully considering the net outcome for myself and those who cared most about me.
From the standpoint of understanding what my friend had stated...I know she is spot on as it pertains to my life.
Do I still have things I want to do? Yes...I think we always will...but are there things I must do to rectify some of the mistakes I have made? Absolutely...and there in lies my "bucket list" and its definition.
I wont be traveling to climb a mountain or run a race...I have done all that stuff and much more...and often times at the detriment of others. What I must do is make amends not only within myself but with those around me who gave so much and trusted in me. To me that is the real measure of being a man...a man with limited time. In essence...it is no longer about me...
I still have not told the boys. Sheila and I spoke yesterday about how to handle this. I have not seen her face to face yet since the news hit and that is an experience I am not looking forward to either. Her recent email to me expressing her heartfelt sadness over this situation added to the already tumultuous and emotional week to date. Even in divorce we have always shared the bond of the boys as well as a friendship that I could never replace. I will draw some measure of strength from her in the coming months knowing she will be there for them when I am not.
When I awoke this AM I really wanted to bounce out of bed...and I did...only to meet the floor again! I have to be cautious in that my physical actions now have to be taken in moderation. The new medicine - and its higher dosing - has already wreaked havoc on my blood pressure. The doctor will need to dial this as I am afraid that the medicine will kill me before the DCM does!
The wheels on the bus will continue to go "round and round" as stated in the movie... fortunately I am still on the bus...I just want to make sure that before I get off I have touched base and made amends with all those who have been riding with me.
Thank You
Brian
After the grief counselor left yesterday I had time to reflect on my life and what I have done...and more importantly what I feel I still need to do.
It was a very emotional look at myself and more importantly what others will/would/do see. I looked back on what I have accomplished as well as some of the dumber things I have done. A friend commented earlier in the week that "life is the sum of all your choices" - upon reflection I would say...she is absolutely correct.
When the counselor left yesterday I went and rented the Bucket List. I have always been a Jack Nicholson fan and knew what the content of the movie was about and how it relates to my present situation. The funny thing is previously I stayed away from those movies as they would elicit an emotional response from me that I was very uncomfortable with...however this movie has always drawn me in...and I felt I needed to see it now more then ever.
The movie brings into perspective the reality of life's choices for those who's time is fast approaching...in summation when the end is near all you can really do is try to make up for lost time while attempting to make amends. A key point from the script that is readily apparent...decisions made 2, 3, 5 or 10 years ago cant be fixed...for those actions have already been "completed" - certainly you can try to make amends and offer apologies however at the end of the day what has happened has happened. Sometimes sorry does not make it right...and then you realize that you don't have much time left...and then sorry is all you really have.
For me it was interesting watching the characters in this movie and how they too handled the eventuality of death. Spurned on by the sense that they had "things" they needed to do I took from the movie the opposite approach. I really have done all those activities that I have ever wanted to do...I have been fortunate enough to live and travel all over the world...and yes I still hate France...but...I have climbed...skied...and jumped from airplanes...fought for and served my country...I have loved and lost...as well as put at risk all that was important in my life. I did so knowingly and in some regards foolishly and often without hesitation or ever fully considering the net outcome for myself and those who cared most about me.
From the standpoint of understanding what my friend had stated...I know she is spot on as it pertains to my life.
Do I still have things I want to do? Yes...I think we always will...but are there things I must do to rectify some of the mistakes I have made? Absolutely...and there in lies my "bucket list" and its definition.
I wont be traveling to climb a mountain or run a race...I have done all that stuff and much more...and often times at the detriment of others. What I must do is make amends not only within myself but with those around me who gave so much and trusted in me. To me that is the real measure of being a man...a man with limited time. In essence...it is no longer about me...
I still have not told the boys. Sheila and I spoke yesterday about how to handle this. I have not seen her face to face yet since the news hit and that is an experience I am not looking forward to either. Her recent email to me expressing her heartfelt sadness over this situation added to the already tumultuous and emotional week to date. Even in divorce we have always shared the bond of the boys as well as a friendship that I could never replace. I will draw some measure of strength from her in the coming months knowing she will be there for them when I am not.
When I awoke this AM I really wanted to bounce out of bed...and I did...only to meet the floor again! I have to be cautious in that my physical actions now have to be taken in moderation. The new medicine - and its higher dosing - has already wreaked havoc on my blood pressure. The doctor will need to dial this as I am afraid that the medicine will kill me before the DCM does!
The wheels on the bus will continue to go "round and round" as stated in the movie... fortunately I am still on the bus...I just want to make sure that before I get off I have touched base and made amends with all those who have been riding with me.
Thank You
Brian
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Passing of Time
Good Morning - it was a long day at the hospital and an even longer day waiting for the cardiologist to call back. In the end the news was not good...it never gets better with time. After the invasive procedure I was allowed to head home to "wait" for the call that would come. At roughly 1700 (5PM) the Director of Cardiology called and informed me that based on the extent of damage to the left side of my heart (the DCM) and the duration of time that this has been prevalent, he was not optimistic of the outcome or my overall prognosis. The only option that is available is a transplant however that process is long and arduous just to get on the list and what I have going against me is the continued deterioration of my existing heart.
The Veterans Administration as well as WRAMC will take the necessary steps to get me to that point of being on the list. I am going to notify the SSA later today and submit disability paperwork. After that we shall see.
I have spoken with Jake and Ian's Mom over the last couple of days to make her fully aware of what is going on. Given the activities for Jake (Eagle Scout Promotion) this weekend we have decided to hold off on telling them . The emotions around this decision and its long term implications for both boys is really killing me. I had never thought of not being in their life and now with a timeline for departure I am awash in emotions that I have to deal with. Probably the hardest thing a parent could tell a child...I am dreading that discussuion.
I spoke to my Dad late last night...suffice to say that he did not take the news well. He knew something was up several months back when I could not fight off the pneumonia. His intuition has always been good. I needed to make sure that he fully understood that when I leave he needed to fill the void especially for Ian. It was a very poignant conversation and one that was probably 20 years in the making. I am sure there will be more to follow.
A couple of weeks ago I ventured down RTE 95 to the place where in 2004 my Grandmother called me to tell me she was taking herself of dialysis. I got out of the car and just looked around. It was a somber moment in my life and a conversation that I never forgot. As I stood there remembering the call I quickly realized how much I missed her and what she meant to me. Flashforward to today....as I look back I take comfort and draw strength for I know she is watching over me and will comfort me through this last journey.
The irony in waking up today is that the WRAMC is sending a grief counselor to sit and talk with me. This should be interesting given my current field of study. I often wondered why the Army and/or the VA would do that especially with soldiers trained to "ignore those emotions" -now I get to experience it firsthand.
I still have much to write. I want to publish a book about the poetry I crafted as well as pen some more notes to Jake and Ian. Not sure how I will do but know I need to do it sooner...as there will not be a later.
Brian
The Veterans Administration as well as WRAMC will take the necessary steps to get me to that point of being on the list. I am going to notify the SSA later today and submit disability paperwork. After that we shall see.
I have spoken with Jake and Ian's Mom over the last couple of days to make her fully aware of what is going on. Given the activities for Jake (Eagle Scout Promotion) this weekend we have decided to hold off on telling them . The emotions around this decision and its long term implications for both boys is really killing me. I had never thought of not being in their life and now with a timeline for departure I am awash in emotions that I have to deal with. Probably the hardest thing a parent could tell a child...I am dreading that discussuion.
I spoke to my Dad late last night...suffice to say that he did not take the news well. He knew something was up several months back when I could not fight off the pneumonia. His intuition has always been good. I needed to make sure that he fully understood that when I leave he needed to fill the void especially for Ian. It was a very poignant conversation and one that was probably 20 years in the making. I am sure there will be more to follow.
A couple of weeks ago I ventured down RTE 95 to the place where in 2004 my Grandmother called me to tell me she was taking herself of dialysis. I got out of the car and just looked around. It was a somber moment in my life and a conversation that I never forgot. As I stood there remembering the call I quickly realized how much I missed her and what she meant to me. Flashforward to today....as I look back I take comfort and draw strength for I know she is watching over me and will comfort me through this last journey.
The irony in waking up today is that the WRAMC is sending a grief counselor to sit and talk with me. This should be interesting given my current field of study. I often wondered why the Army and/or the VA would do that especially with soldiers trained to "ignore those emotions" -now I get to experience it firsthand.
I still have much to write. I want to publish a book about the poetry I crafted as well as pen some more notes to Jake and Ian. Not sure how I will do but know I need to do it sooner...as there will not be a later.
Brian
Friday, March 6, 2009
Coming Down the Pipe...and it won't be pretty!
Good Afternoon!
Not sure if any of you have been following this story of how the current Administration and certain members of Congress are attempting to bring to trial Intelligence Community Personnel for torturing enemy combatants and certain High Value Targets captured across the globe.
Mark my words - these trials are going to happen!
It appears that some people in the current administration are getting what they want - proof that torture actually happened - through the actions of certain CIA Officials who destroyed video footage of this alleged torture. The question - "did persons in the employ of the United States torture enemy combatants?" - seems like a fair question to ask however it does not take a Harvard Law Degree to figure out that it did!
The recent CIA admission that it actually destroyed 93 interrogation tapes is cause for concern BUT is not an admission of guilt. The issue of torture is sharply politicized as is the reason why torture actually occurred. In the end it will be a sad day for our country when CIA agents and "contractors" are prosecuted for following orders but this topic goes much deeper in its nature and has the potential to derail the very fiber that holds the global war on terror together. A recent quip by Secretary Clinton that our image in the Middle East was lessened based on torture of prisoners is very slanted. Perhaps Madam Secretary should have looked at the list of countries where the "Rendition Program" actually dropped suspected enemy personnel - most were in the Middle East and ARE staunch allies of the US in the global war on terror.
As America ramped up after the attacks of 9/11 I remember sitting in a hotel room in Uzbekistan when the first laser guided munitions were dropped into Afghanistan and the POTUS stating that "any and all means would be used to bring these terrorists to justice as well as prevent other attacks."
As I did then...and do now...and state so emphatically...I agree with him!
I will go on record as stating that folks such as Mr Holder and other senior members of the Obama Administration as well as members of Congress have not thought this line of questioning through.
The enemy that we face will do anything in its power to destroy our way of life and they will not play by the rules. If you decide that you are going to take on the challenge then you have to willing to adapt to their thought process...just not their way of life.
Now for all my liberal friends please understand me - I am not stating that we throw the rules out the door at all - just the opposite. We need to maintain the moral high ground at all times however in matters where National Security comes into play or the likelihood of another catastrophic event (9/11 scenario or worse) could take place a process must be executed that takes into account the criticality posed by High Value Targets and the utilization of whatever means is necessary to extract relevant information to ensure the safety of our citizens, our allies and our way of life.
You can call it torture; you can call it extracting valuable information from operational threats. Whatever you call it know this...it has saved lives!
Do I agree with Guantanamo....No!
Do I agree with torturing soldiers....No!
Do I think a sitting President has the responsibility to address those threats against his/her Nation in a manner that clearly utilizes all methods at his disposal...YES I DO!
Our country is facing very dark times and it would appear the current Administration is going to move forward with an inquiry into whether or not our Intelligence Community has tortured those in its custody. It is a shame that these same Administration Officials would jeopardize the lives of its citizenry in support of ideals and principles that our adversaries do not care about.
I can only hope these officials NEVER have to relive what happened that fateful day back in 2001 as our enemies are plotting to do just that...again!
Have a Great Weekend
Brian Hayes
Not sure if any of you have been following this story of how the current Administration and certain members of Congress are attempting to bring to trial Intelligence Community Personnel for torturing enemy combatants and certain High Value Targets captured across the globe.
Mark my words - these trials are going to happen!
It appears that some people in the current administration are getting what they want - proof that torture actually happened - through the actions of certain CIA Officials who destroyed video footage of this alleged torture. The question - "did persons in the employ of the United States torture enemy combatants?" - seems like a fair question to ask however it does not take a Harvard Law Degree to figure out that it did!
The recent CIA admission that it actually destroyed 93 interrogation tapes is cause for concern BUT is not an admission of guilt. The issue of torture is sharply politicized as is the reason why torture actually occurred. In the end it will be a sad day for our country when CIA agents and "contractors" are prosecuted for following orders but this topic goes much deeper in its nature and has the potential to derail the very fiber that holds the global war on terror together. A recent quip by Secretary Clinton that our image in the Middle East was lessened based on torture of prisoners is very slanted. Perhaps Madam Secretary should have looked at the list of countries where the "Rendition Program" actually dropped suspected enemy personnel - most were in the Middle East and ARE staunch allies of the US in the global war on terror.
As America ramped up after the attacks of 9/11 I remember sitting in a hotel room in Uzbekistan when the first laser guided munitions were dropped into Afghanistan and the POTUS stating that "any and all means would be used to bring these terrorists to justice as well as prevent other attacks."
As I did then...and do now...and state so emphatically...I agree with him!
I will go on record as stating that folks such as Mr Holder and other senior members of the Obama Administration as well as members of Congress have not thought this line of questioning through.
The enemy that we face will do anything in its power to destroy our way of life and they will not play by the rules. If you decide that you are going to take on the challenge then you have to willing to adapt to their thought process...just not their way of life.
Now for all my liberal friends please understand me - I am not stating that we throw the rules out the door at all - just the opposite. We need to maintain the moral high ground at all times however in matters where National Security comes into play or the likelihood of another catastrophic event (9/11 scenario or worse) could take place a process must be executed that takes into account the criticality posed by High Value Targets and the utilization of whatever means is necessary to extract relevant information to ensure the safety of our citizens, our allies and our way of life.
You can call it torture; you can call it extracting valuable information from operational threats. Whatever you call it know this...it has saved lives!
Do I agree with Guantanamo....No!
Do I agree with torturing soldiers....No!
Do I think a sitting President has the responsibility to address those threats against his/her Nation in a manner that clearly utilizes all methods at his disposal...YES I DO!
Our country is facing very dark times and it would appear the current Administration is going to move forward with an inquiry into whether or not our Intelligence Community has tortured those in its custody. It is a shame that these same Administration Officials would jeopardize the lives of its citizenry in support of ideals and principles that our adversaries do not care about.
I can only hope these officials NEVER have to relive what happened that fateful day back in 2001 as our enemies are plotting to do just that...again!
Have a Great Weekend
Brian Hayes
Monday, February 23, 2009
Back...from the Attack
Hello All!
Well it has been an interesting several weeks. As many of you know I have a couple of real "kicker" illnesses that re-appeared and have required my utmost attention. In both cases I am moving ahead with some trepidation however forward progress can only be considered....good!
There is much to talk about in the news these days and many things I need to catch up on; stimulus packages; Bush/Cheney fighting (called that one!) and a myriad of issues that have a direct effect on the way each of us lives our lives. Too many roads to go down today in discussion but leave it to the Army Times to come up with a point of emphasis that I can run with.
I have always enjoyed the Army Times if for no other reason then for its "reporting" about what is happening in the service itself...but I digress...what drew me to today's copy was a cartoon that is a weekly staple of the paper. Pvt. Murphy's Law allows readers an inside view of Army life through the eyes of a private. Some of these comics are quite good and others are...well... open to imagination!
This weeks comic portrayed a young Army soldier (female) and a Muslim woman covered from head to toe in the traditional Burqa gazing at each other. The Army female was equipped with an M-4 rifle, combat helmet, boots and all the accoutrement's that being in combat affords soldiers these days. The Muslim woman is dressed so that the only thing visible are the hands and the eyes from under her burqa. For those of you who don't know, the burqa is the garment of choice in the Middle East and the one that covers the women most completely: either the eyes and hands are visible or nothing at all is visible.
Sorry fellas - no mid-drifts with this ensemble!
Originating in what is now Pakistan, it is more commonly associated with Afghanistan. Typically, a burqa is composed of many yards of light material pleated around a cap that fits over the top of the head, or a scarf over the face (save the eyes). To say it is not
Now all that said does anybody else see the cultural dichotomy of this cartoon? The United States sends thousands of female soldiers around the world in the pursuit of freedom and democracy yet those we protect are not afforded the same freedoms ALL of us enjoy. I look at the woman in the burqa and wonder what she might be thinking as G.I. Jane is standing there in all her regalia.
Mark Baker - who writes the cartoon - has pulled off a coup (if you will) of personal, religious and women's rights and freedoms in oppressive countries. No doubt the Muslim lady portrayed in the picture will never see this cartoon for what its net worth is....social awareness! I will make some assumptions that others will see this and change could happen. Even if it does not it is still a very touchy subject and kudos for mark for addressing it!
You can view the whole set of comics at http://www.pvtmurphy.com/index.htm
Stay Warm and looking forward to getting back in the saddle!
Brian Hayes
Well it has been an interesting several weeks. As many of you know I have a couple of real "kicker" illnesses that re-appeared and have required my utmost attention. In both cases I am moving ahead with some trepidation however forward progress can only be considered....good!
There is much to talk about in the news these days and many things I need to catch up on; stimulus packages; Bush/Cheney fighting (called that one!) and a myriad of issues that have a direct effect on the way each of us lives our lives. Too many roads to go down today in discussion but leave it to the Army Times to come up with a point of emphasis that I can run with.
I have always enjoyed the Army Times if for no other reason then for its "reporting" about what is happening in the service itself...but I digress...what drew me to today's copy was a cartoon that is a weekly staple of the paper. Pvt. Murphy's Law allows readers an inside view of Army life through the eyes of a private. Some of these comics are quite good and others are...well... open to imagination!
This weeks comic portrayed a young Army soldier (female) and a Muslim woman covered from head to toe in the traditional Burqa gazing at each other. The Army female was equipped with an M-4 rifle, combat helmet, boots and all the accoutrement's that being in combat affords soldiers these days. The Muslim woman is dressed so that the only thing visible are the hands and the eyes from under her burqa. For those of you who don't know, the burqa is the garment of choice in the Middle East and the one that covers the women most completely: either the eyes and hands are visible or nothing at all is visible.
Sorry fellas - no mid-drifts with this ensemble!
Originating in what is now Pakistan, it is more commonly associated with Afghanistan. Typically, a burqa is composed of many yards of light material pleated around a cap that fits over the top of the head, or a scarf over the face (save the eyes). To say it is not
Now all that said does anybody else see the cultural dichotomy of this cartoon? The United States sends thousands of female soldiers around the world in the pursuit of freedom and democracy yet those we protect are not afforded the same freedoms ALL of us enjoy. I look at the woman in the burqa and wonder what she might be thinking as G.I. Jane is standing there in all her regalia.
Mark Baker - who writes the cartoon - has pulled off a coup (if you will) of personal, religious and women's rights and freedoms in oppressive countries. No doubt the Muslim lady portrayed in the picture will never see this cartoon for what its net worth is....social awareness! I will make some assumptions that others will see this and change could happen. Even if it does not it is still a very touchy subject and kudos for mark for addressing it!
You can view the whole set of comics at http://www.pvtmurphy.com/index.htm
Stay Warm and looking forward to getting back in the saddle!
Brian Hayes
Monday, February 2, 2009
Wait....Something More Important
February 2, 2009
I had originally intended on writing about the Center for a New American Security( http://www.cnas.org/) today as I recently discussed this unique organization with several current and former military strategists however my usual ramblings took a different path as I was cut short by a co-worker asking if I had heard about the new Kevin Bacon film by HBO titled Taking Chance.
I mentioned that I had indeed heard about the film and then I fell silent for just a moment.
Now for those of you who have not seen or heard about this cinematic work let me be the first to warn you that it is and will be a major "tear jerker" no matter how hardened your heart is.
Mr. Bacon (expertly) plays Lt. Col. Michael Strobl, an officer in the United States Marine Corp who voluntarily accompanies the body of fallen Marine Private Chance Phelps as he is returned home for a military burial in Wyoming in 2004. Private Phelps was killed during intense ground combat by insurgents in Al Anbar Province, Iraq.
What this movie does is chronicles one of the silent, virtually unseen journeys that takes place every day across our great country, bearing witness to the fallen and all those who, literally and figuratively, carry them home.
Witnessing the spontaneous outpouring of support and respect for the fallen Marine - from the groundskeepers he passed along the road to the cargo handlers at the airport - Lt.Col. Strobl was moved to capture the experience in his personal journal. His first-person account, which began as an official trip report (every military event concludes with such) gives an insight into the policy of providing a uniformed escort for all casualties.
The story became an Internet phenomenon when it was widely circulated throughout the military community and eventually reached the mainstream media winning accolades and awards at the Sundance Film Festival.
In reading a recent quote regarding the movie, several words expressed by Lt.Col. Strobl resonated deeply with me:
“Perhaps it might be good if we saw or thought more about them than just a line in the newspaper and went on with our day...hopefully, this movie will make people realize"
As I have repeatedly watched the trailer, I think back to my time in both Iraq and Afghanistan where I witnessed remains leaving for the United States and the subsequent impact that single vision had on me. In the end it was nothing compared to the loss that a family suffers when their Soldier, Sailor, Airman or Marine comes home for final resting.
Taking Chance will undoubtedly pay tribute to all of the men and women who have given their lives in military service as well as their families who have suffered this loss. I can only hope that perhaps one of the major networks picks up this film and airs it in its entirety if only for the fact that it is a work that we as a Nation should all watch to fully understand and comprehend the cost of being free.
If you are not busy February 21st at 8PM and have access to cable TV and HBO I would suggest watching this movie...as I said...as a Nation it is a must see.
Well done Kevin Bacon and HBO Films...and Thank You.
Brian Hayes
The trailer can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtmiLdzzgGE
I had originally intended on writing about the Center for a New American Security( http://www.cnas.org/) today as I recently discussed this unique organization with several current and former military strategists however my usual ramblings took a different path as I was cut short by a co-worker asking if I had heard about the new Kevin Bacon film by HBO titled Taking Chance.
I mentioned that I had indeed heard about the film and then I fell silent for just a moment.
Now for those of you who have not seen or heard about this cinematic work let me be the first to warn you that it is and will be a major "tear jerker" no matter how hardened your heart is.
Mr. Bacon (expertly) plays Lt. Col. Michael Strobl, an officer in the United States Marine Corp who voluntarily accompanies the body of fallen Marine Private Chance Phelps as he is returned home for a military burial in Wyoming in 2004. Private Phelps was killed during intense ground combat by insurgents in Al Anbar Province, Iraq.
What this movie does is chronicles one of the silent, virtually unseen journeys that takes place every day across our great country, bearing witness to the fallen and all those who, literally and figuratively, carry them home.
Witnessing the spontaneous outpouring of support and respect for the fallen Marine - from the groundskeepers he passed along the road to the cargo handlers at the airport - Lt.Col. Strobl was moved to capture the experience in his personal journal. His first-person account, which began as an official trip report (every military event concludes with such) gives an insight into the policy of providing a uniformed escort for all casualties.
The story became an Internet phenomenon when it was widely circulated throughout the military community and eventually reached the mainstream media winning accolades and awards at the Sundance Film Festival.
In reading a recent quote regarding the movie, several words expressed by Lt.Col. Strobl resonated deeply with me:
“Perhaps it might be good if we saw or thought more about them than just a line in the newspaper and went on with our day...hopefully, this movie will make people realize"
As I have repeatedly watched the trailer, I think back to my time in both Iraq and Afghanistan where I witnessed remains leaving for the United States and the subsequent impact that single vision had on me. In the end it was nothing compared to the loss that a family suffers when their Soldier, Sailor, Airman or Marine comes home for final resting.
Taking Chance will undoubtedly pay tribute to all of the men and women who have given their lives in military service as well as their families who have suffered this loss. I can only hope that perhaps one of the major networks picks up this film and airs it in its entirety if only for the fact that it is a work that we as a Nation should all watch to fully understand and comprehend the cost of being free.
If you are not busy February 21st at 8PM and have access to cable TV and HBO I would suggest watching this movie...as I said...as a Nation it is a must see.
Well done Kevin Bacon and HBO Films...and Thank You.
Brian Hayes
The trailer can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtmiLdzzgGE
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